I dont know if it will help anyone here but my psychiatrist seems to have hit on the cause of my BDD. That root is that I do not express my negative emotions and keep them bottled up inside. All of these negative emotions manifest themselves in the way I see myself physically. The problem with expressing those emotions is that people have always either made fun of me for having them by telling me I was silly for feelling that way, or I don't want to burden others with my problems; usually because they made me feel like my feelings were invalid or I am afraid of that. After all we all know how positive happiness is always more acceptable than gloominess.
I am not sure how to get out of the cycle and begin to open up, and thus opening myself up to being hurt. And according to my doctor, venting in my journal is fine but a journal can't console you, put its arm around your shoulders and tell you everything will be all right.

Im in Germany (American but live here) and here is something my doctor gave me to think about. The word "hass" means hate. The word "haeslich" means ugly. They have the same root and hate therefore gives rise to ugliness, whether real or percieved.

This post probably wont help anyone here but I hope that at least one person reads reads this and it helps them. Maybe at an age older than most of you here I can finally beat the BDD now I have a better idea of why my episodes occur.

A. It's thundering and lightning-ing out, which is awesome!
And the newest dog is sitting right beside me, insecure in this weather.

B. I fired a pair of shoes. I bought two pars of shoes at Wal-Mart last tuesday, one for walking and one for working.
Now, I have short, wide feet. I usually have to buy a size bigger for the width.
There was a slipon pair of 8s for $15 and I settled on a Dr. Scholl's 7w for work for $30.
Your expect shoes made by Dr. Schol to be good.
Well, after 5 days, I finally had to switch to the Non-Work slipons and was able to finish work without pain.
I just had to watchout for the water and grease on the floor.
So the $30, 7w shoes are FIRED!!

The following poem was written by hexpiritus and I want more people to see it. It's hard, but beautiful.

( Read more... )

1. Reply to this post, and I will pick six of your icons.
2. Make a post (including the meme info) and talk about the icons I chose.
3. Other people can then comment to you and make their own posts.
4. This will create a never-ending cycle of icon glee.





1. SoA it's a cool patch. i'm not sure how much i can explain it really. it's just really cool. and the show is great. sept 8 it comes back!!


2. Kara: play dirty hmm, i guess it displays her cocky attitude. while it can be annoying at times, at others it can be extremely sexy.

3. Sacrifice one of my favorite scenes from BSG. really hard to watch, but so powerful it's awesome. sharon begs karl to kill her, so she can be downlaoded into a new body on the basestar, after which she can resue their daughter who's being held there. he does it, and it's just...wow.

4. God says sorry well, you know how your family annoys you? god knows this is gonna happen, so he gives us friends to make up for it,heh.

5. goassamer my favoite WB character. don't know why, but he is.

6. athena she is my ALL TIME sexiest BSG girl. i know most people would expect it to be katee sackhoff, but they all pale compared to maren jensen as athena. =)

So I've just kinda stumbled across this community, and found it like the biggest relief to know that there are other people like me out there. I've known about BDD for a while - haven't been diagnosed - but it was weird to actually see people saying the exact same things as I what I think on a daily basis.

I didn't used to be this obsessed with my appearance, but I think it's reached it's worst now. I alternate between looking at myself ALL THE TIME - in literally every reflective surface available - to avoiding catching the tiniest glimpse of myself. My mum just calls me vain or shallow most of the time. Don't get me wrong, I love her to bits, but I feel like she makes things worse. On top of the things I usually worry about (I'm currently fixated with my teeth, nose and skin) she makes me feel conscious of my weight, even though I know I am far from overweight. She is 5"3 and weighs 105 pounds. I am 5"2 and weigh 107/108, sometimes more! And she stands in front of a mirror and tells me she's 'fat' and 'disgusting.' She's having a boob job in a month, which has taken priority over coming to collect my GCSE exam results that will hopefully get me into a decent college.

So yeah, that one hurt quite a bit.

Sometimes I wonder how I actually get by on a daily basis, considering how much of my time I spend concentrating on how I look. I end up hating myself for not being able to look at the big picture. I've had my nan tell me, 'Think about burn victims and people with cancer!' and yes, I do. I acknowledge that compared to these people, I have nothing to complain about, but I still can't get past it. It's just always there, and I know for fact that it isn't something that will go away. I just keep telling myself that one day I WILL be pretty. I just need to find a means of getting there.

Sorry, I just had to vent. This is stuff that I generally have to keep bottled up, so it's nice to get it out.

Lastly, I had this thought today: Would it matter if some people thought you were ugly, as long as in your own eyes you looked beautiful? I personally wouldn't, as long as I felt like I looked good.

And also, I wondered if anyone else does this - with advertisments, magazines, TV presenters, etc - do you always look for flaws in the people there? I do, and seeing as we have live pause TV, sometimes I even pause it just to try and find something that's wrong with them, because it bugs me to a stupid degree if I can't.

Wow, I'm so petty. :(

Monday:

• 6am doctor about hair and physical/bloodwork
• cookies; oatmeal/driedfruit, gingersnaps, snickerdoodle
• bread started
• Scottsdale Community about fall & books
• Harry potter movie.
• Drinking?
• update jobsites

Tuesday:

• bread
• anna-work-bday
• reload music
• online job search.
• rip cds
• read
• scrap room out.

just bought a shit ton of music...and buying more tomorrow

I found out there was/is a Borders books in terminal 4 of the airport.
If you haven't been to Terminal 4 in a while (like, 3 or more years),  the whole place has been remodeled.
The place looks Fabulous! A Starbucks at each end, it's like a mini mall.

While at the Borders, I bought some books.
Since I have a signed copy, I bought a paperback reading copy of Barack Obama's The Audacity of Hope.
The Prologue is worth reading all by itself.

And here is the beginning of the second book I spied, "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains."
Yes, that is from Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

Kind of a Must Have buy.

“The problem with Livejournal is that we all think we are so close, but really, we know nothing about each other. Hence, I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about. Then post this in your LJ and find out what people don’t know about you.”

the anime movie Evangelion 1.0      Was playing at the Valley Art, so I decided to watch it.

DON"T BOTHER.
I almost walked out on it, but I didn't really have anything else to do.

they didn't explain anything.  No psychology, no reason for the "angels" to be so genocidal, no alcohol to keep me amused.
Oh, I forgot, One has to have already seen the back story, or has to be a anime geek so that the meaning has already been hashed out so often that it is obvious.
Cheese.

And WTF is it with well developed 14-year old girl?
But the boy 14er was a PURE pre-pube?
And, you are telling me that the Leutenant was thinking about him romantically?

And, Someone Please explain to me what he was listening to?
And wtf was with that sudden irrelevant ending?

Fuck that sucked.

I will suggest to the Valley Art that they get Akira.
Infinitely better movie.

fucking twitter. blue tooth.

Cartoons

From advice on wireless networks:
khall  - That could be relationship advice too. "Connect to the strongest one that is unsecured."

T-shirts I think I ought to have.

how does one do that nifty trick of converting a link into text? you know what i mean? instead of the whole lind, just making it say "here" or whatever. how? anyone? thanks.

I can't stop applying sunscreen. I can't stand tan skin. I know, I know, crazy right? So many people bake for hours to get tan skin and I'm outside for 5 minutes and I'm brown. I love pale skin and I wish I could just go outside and not worry about tanning.

I'm so irrational.